thewilltoholdon

As I breathe and think and dream

Love Thy Baby

1 Comment

You know how all books, articles and forums talk about that moment during childbirth, when the new mom looks at her baby for the very first time and feels this overwhelming deluge of love. She feels that the baby in her arms was worth every ache and pain that she suffered for the last nine months and more. Swimming in oxytocin, she can feel love gushing out of every pore and she wants to move mountains, slay dragons and cook spag bol for her baby.
That IS what is supposed to happen. and I knew it would happen to me too. I had heard all the stories, read all the narratives and seen all the tender photos. Only it did not happen to me. I looked at my daughter for the first time. I felt relief that the ordeal was coming to an end (they were still stitching me up at the time). I felt some worry that the baby did not cry all that loudly when she made her entry into the world. I marveled at the fact that she had very long fingernails. I felt mild disgust that she was placed in my arms still caked with yucky stuff. I thought my husband should probably not be making the first call to family right at that moment (wasn’t serious medical stuff still going on?). I thought many things.
But where was that extraordinary rush of love and devotion? I did not feel all that and I was very conscious of not feeling that way. I felt cheated. I felt guilty. Where was the bloody oxytocin? Maybe the epidural had affected my brain along with my lower extremities. Ten minutes into momhood, I was already a failure.
It was only much later that I read an article that said, while 70% of women fall in love with their babies at the moment of childbirth, the other 30% take more time in bonding with their baby. So thankfully I am not the monster who lives in a crooked houses on legs and routinely stews sweet innocent babes for lunch. That is a relief.

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One thought on “Love Thy Baby

  1. Hey, same here…. at that moment (i went without epidural) the first thought was plz let me be.. i can cater to him (my new born son) later…. only thing i felt was happy that he is in one piece n we both are alive….

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